


Two hearts, double the pain

by yasminkhxns



Category: Doctor Who & Related Fandoms, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Angst, Gen, Grief/Mourning, So much angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-06
Updated: 2020-01-06
Packaged: 2021-02-27 13:20:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 805
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22147822
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yasminkhxns/pseuds/yasminkhxns
Summary: Sadness.Deep, overwhelming, sadness. That’s all she could feel right now. Rooted like hardened cement weighing heavy in her hearts.
Comments: 5
Kudos: 73





	Two hearts, double the pain

**Author's Note:**

> eyyyyyy welcome back doctor who THANK GOD.
> 
> y'all these first two eps have been INSANE and i'm so so so so excited for the rest of the series. 
> 
> what else is exciting is to be writing fic while a series airs because it means i can write little things like this!
> 
> i just wrote this quickly because oh man did this scene break my heart and i just wanna give 13 a hug so this isn't beta'd so sorry for any mistakes

Sadness.

Deep, overwhelming, sadness. That’s all she could feel right now. Rooted like hardened cement weighing heavy in her hearts. Two hearts, double the pain. The curse of the Time Lord’s.

Though was that even who she was anymore? What  _ were  _ Time Lords? What  _ are  _ Time Lords? After the Master’s message, the Doctor’s mind was reeling _—_ overloaded with questions she couldn’t answer and couldn’t concentrate on because she was just too… sad. 

She sat on the steps of the TARDIS, where the Master had revealed what he had done, the destruction he had caused, for a reason the Doctor didn’t know.

All those years ago in her eleventh form she’d saved them all _—_ and now? They were gone again. Everyone, dead. The Citadel, pulverised.

What angered her more, what  _ upset  _ her more, was that she didn’t even know  _ where _ this regeneration of the Master sat. The last time she saw them they were Missy, and she’d left her. 

Had all her redemption been a lie? Or had this form of the Master not even got there yet, still too unhinged to see the goodness hidden deep down. Or  _ were  _ they after Missy? Had Missy gone and discovered something  _ so  _ terrible that she saw no point in redemption? Did she see something so horrific, so unforgivable that it reverted her back to her old ways?

Had she failed the Master _—_ again?

More questions the Doctor had no answer to, more questions she couldn’t concentrate on, her whole being too fraught with grief. Her hands trembled in her lap, fingers clenching and unclenching in the fabric of her trousers, the gloom of the blue light surrounding her only deepening as the TARDIS picked up on her developing anguish. 

The ship was silent. The Doctor could barely feel her in her head. Leaving her to mourn in peace. The only sound the Doctor’s shaky breaths as visions of her home destroyed once more flashed through her mind, the horrific similarities between her and the Master connecting in her brain.

Now they had both destroyed Gallifrey, albeit for different reasons yet… they had both committed genocide against their own people. 

That final thought was what forced the first drop down the Doctor’s cheek, tears that were balancing on the cusp falling free as the grief, the horror, the  _ self-loathing  _ all became too much. 

A broken sob fell past her lips as her hand clamped over them, an attempt to muffle the sound even no one was around to hear it. No one but herself… and the TARDIS. A sudden warmth enveloped her, and she knew it was her ship offering the only real comfort she could provide. Tears caught on her hand, dampening the skin as they tracked down her cheeks.

The Doctor tried to blink them away to no avail, only making it worse as her lips trembled and her intake of breath caught in her throat while it shook, another sob breaking free as much as she tried to hold it back. She felt weak _—_ pathetic, crying over a place that had betrayed her many times. But it was her  _ home _ . And she had saved it, and now it was gone again. 

She had no idea how long she sat on those steps for, tears falling free as sobs wracked her body, grief consuming her, her hearts aching for the people that died in the Master’s carnage. She cried until there was nothing left in her. Eyes red and puffy, cheeks flushed, dry tear tracks marking lines down her face. She felt exhausted, body slumped as she rubbed her eyes with her palms. Finally sitting up straight as she let out a heavy sigh, dragging herself up to lean against the console. 

Warm colours began to seep their way back into the console room, an orange glow brushing her skin as her head lifted, golden light pouring back into the ship. The Doctor sniffled for a final time as her hand came to rest on a lever, flying away from Gallifrey and back to twenty first century Sheffield. 

The TARDIS landed with a wheeze and a groan more subdued than usual, woman and machine both hiding their mourning though they struggled to conceal it.

The Doctor checked her display, she’d landed outside Graham’s house, the front door already cracking open as she watched her fam step outside. She headed toward the TARDIS doors, hand resting over the handle as she took a final deep breath, the tremble practically gone, though a hint of it still remained. Regardless, she kept her composure, stuffed her grief into a box inside her head and locked it away in a cupboard, metaphorically swallowing the key. She plastered on her biggest smile (though not too big otherwise it’s clearly false) and swung open the doors. 

“Hi gang! Ready for the next adventure?”

**Author's Note:**

> she's a sad babey : ((
> 
> kudos and comments are always greatly appreciated!! <3


End file.
